Don’t Make Monkey of the Country
by Datuk A Kadir Jasin
IF you haven’t yet been sufficiently entertained by the PM’s Mat Jenin offer of assistance to President Donald Trump to strengthen the US economy during his recent trip to the White House, allow me to share with you the story of a lonely male monkey and his desperate quest for love.
As fate would have it, Sam, the male kera (long tail macaque), lost a fight for dominance and was banished from his troop. He had to escape with his life to a monkeyless forest.
Life of solace and solitude wasn’t bad in the beginning. He had all the fig trees in the forest all to himself. He was the monkey king of the forest.
But soon his longing for the company of female monkeys – the very reason leading to his banishment – overtook the joy of having the canopy all to himself.
His sperm sac was filled to the brim and his libido started to drive him nuts.
He lost all inhibition – in the Malaysian protocal parlance, kesipuan – and begged every creature he bumped into to give him a chance to release his overflowing love juice.
Not every animal refused his advances politely. He was nearly ravaged (buggered) by a boorish drunken boar. Some wild fruits, when naturally fermented, could lead to drunkardness among forest dwellers.
A female elephant, likewise lonely, took pity on him and invited him to “ride” along as she took her daily trudge to the river, through a lush coconut grove, to drink and bathe.
The grateful sex craved kera jumped onto her back and immediately did what a sex craved kera would do. He engaged himself in an impossible inter-species copulation.
When he was hard at work, the female elephant gave a thunderous scream. The whole forest reverberated with the sound. The kera was himself startled and immediately ceased his amorous activity.
He walked across to the elephant’s ear and romantically whispered: “I’m sorry if I was a bit rough!”
“No worry,” said the elephant nonchalantly.
“I did not know what you were doing back there, but that falling coconut did hurt my head a lot.”
The moral of the story is, if you are monkey don’t dream of making love to an elephant and even if, by the smallest of chance, you do, please don’t think that elephant would be screaming in ecstasy.
End of the story.
*Datuk A Kadir Jasin adalah tokoh wartawan negara dan bekas ketua pengarang NST. Artikel adalah pendapat peribadi beliau yang tidak semestinya mewakili pendirian Malaysian Review.
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